when I was a boy, my dad was THE dad. As far as I was concerned, my dad was the way all dads were supposed to be. So it always shocked me when I saw some other young boy’s dad who had lots of hair and was skinny. That wasn’t MY dad. Who has a skinny dad with hair? It was so weird to me. Dads don’t look like that. That’s not the way dads look. Dads are big and they are bald or balding. And they have beards and mustaches…..until you’re about 10, and then they shave the beard and mustache off. And dads wear glasses. That’s a dad.
I think dads who are skinny and have a full head of hair are jerks. Jerk dads. There was a boy who had a skinny dad with hair, and his dad was always a jerk. That’s not MY dad. My dad was firm but fair. He brought home the bacon and fried it in a pan. Those other skinny hairy dads all played golf and drank beer and jogged. Those aren’t dad things. Dads get up early, are gone all day, then come back home in time for dinner. You never see them any other time. Dads disappear between 5:00am and 7:00pm. They cease to exist between those hours. Then they reappear at dinner time wearing a suit. Then they eat, watch TV, and fall asleep in the recliner. And sometimes they take you for a haircut on the weekend and you have lunch at Fuddruckers. They make hamburgers on the grill sometimes on Saturdays. But other than that, you never see them. They disappear. That’s a dad. Those skinny dads with hair are always doing stuff……they’re weird. The more you see your dad when you are a boy, the worse a dad he is. The less you see your dad when you are a boy, the better a dad he is. Because if you almost never see your dad, that means he’s out slaying the dragon 10 times harder than those skinny hairy dads who are always hanging around, showing up at your soccer games, playing catch in the front yard………those dads don’t care nearly as much about you as a boy or your mom, because he’s always around, trying to be “Cool Dad”, not making money to put clothes on your table or food on your back. The good dads disappear during the day and reappear at night, and that’s all you know about them.
They are a mystery. A force of nature. Like the wind.
Dads don’t have washboard abs.
If your dad has washboard abs, he’s an asshole.
end of the story.